panjangnyaaaa..!!

An elaboration of such...

If one sees fault in a friend and lets it pass out of kindness, is one doing the friend a favor?

Believe it or not, this was from a scientific journal; “if I find fault in you and lets it pass, out of kindness, would I be doing you a favour?” There was this collection of scientific articles specially created as a tribute to Benoit Mandelbrot, one of the most influential figures in the study of fractals and fractal dimension, on his birthday. Academic freaks!

Anyhow, I am quite interested in the argument brought about in the sentence. I mean, how often have we been faced with this situation before; a friend, a good friend errs in our presence and we suddenly find ourselves face to face with a dilemma: ‘should I or should I not point out the error?’ Love is blind and friendship chooses to close its eyes they say, and sometimes we just ignore the mistakes people around us make, especially those dearest to us. Sometimes it’s to avoid the awkwardness that looms, sometimes we just hold on to the principle; those who matter don’t care, those who care don’t matter (alternatively, you can substitute ‘care’ with ‘give a damn’ for maximum effect). Which friend would we value more? The ones who take us as we are, regardless of how we have erred, or the ones who points out our errors, risking the awkwardness, so as to not let us always be wrong? A lot of things have to be taken into consideration; who we are, how we interpret the intention(s) (ahh, intentions, intentions) of others, what intention(s) do that particular friend really have, etc. To me it’s a two way thing that you can’t really compare and say which is better. But ultimately, for those of us who have erred and have been in the (fortunate/unfortunate?) company of someone who do give a damn, I think we should just be thankful for the feedback :)

Wanting to change someone and wanting someone to change are two different things

Any good parents will acknowledge this (the fact that I’m not a parent makes me feel macam bagus writing this). When children are very young, say, eight or younger, parents would often want to change them. This process of change involves a lot of (usually physical) force and would largely be unpleasant for the child in question: ‘pegi mandi! Aku sebat ko nanti! Pegi mandi!’ Or the occasional ‘sapa tak mandi tak boleh ikut pegi jalan..!’ for the negotiation-savvy parents. To put it simply, the one who experiences the change does most of the work and have almost no say in the whole process. In short, ‘it’s my way or no way!’

Wanting someone to change, however, requires hard work on behalf of the one who wants, not the one who is to change. It requires lots of negotiations, giving and taking, showing of paths and options, and in the end, the one who is to change will make a choice. In the case of the parent-child relationship, this happens when the child is old enough to think for oneself. In short, ‘change is good for you and you’ve got to make this change. But it’s ultimately your choice’. I am totally macam bagus (or am I just, well, bagus? :p).

I’m a staunch believer in education, in the sense that we can always, always educate people, show them the way. Not lead them, not push them, just show them the options they have and the slightest of nudges (politicians call it influence) in the right direction. Persuasion. People can think for themselves. If we can show them that they’re changing for the best, they’ll want that change. Now can you pegi mandi, please..?

Loathe the deeds but love the doer

There is that one point in our life that we felt someone must be picking on us. A teacher? Someone we knew? God? And it sucked. It sucked big time. It’s not like we have two left hands or something! We can’t be wrong all the time can we? Can we? (Aznimm, please don’t answer that on my behalf).

It’s important that we be professional. Tres importante. People can’t be wrong all the time (except maybe Peter Crouch). Punish only the mistakes. Never hate the people who committed them (OK maybe we’re entitled to a little hate sometimes). I believe that good people outnumber baddies in this world but it’s just that bad things are easier (and usually much more fun) to learn. Loathe the deeds. Let them perish. But let the doers prevail. Let them unlearn. Let them be the ones to later on loathe the deeds.

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The thing is, people have very different opinions on different things. And that is OK. Because different people come from different background and have different ways of thinking influenced by different factors, beliefs, values and experience. It is when we have opinions on the influencing factors that it gets tricky; the supplier of beliefs and values. That is why politics and religion are the two topics banned from most chatrooms. And that is why of all the people in our lives, usually we’re most hurt when people insult our family, especilly our parents. Because when talking about these things we hate to be wrong. We will never, ever acknowledge the fact that we might be wrong. Because they’re the things that we believe in. The things that mean most to us. And we fight fiercely for that belief.